TOURS OF THE HERMIT STATE NOW AVAILABLE
At the wall, the military convoy picks you up at the DMZ, Sand n Burg(er) gate. Keep your wits about you, you’re in Western Australia now, on the adventure tour of your life!
After we clear the razor wire, minefields and anti-aircraft batteries, is our first stop. Come in on the grouter, to the Great Southern! Surf’s up at Wave Rock, so hang 10, x $100, for the privilege – Boom! Credit card wipe-out! And we’ve only just begun …
Next attraction, take a belting as we visit the Wheat Belt (& Road Initiative). Duck for cover as irate farmers take pot shots at our convoy … well, we are on Chinese Communist Party land!
Let’s listen in on the locals: “P*** off MacStuttles, and take those b*** tourists with you!”
After patching up the bullet holes, it’s on to the Forbidden City, Perth. At seven o’clock sharp we begin the significant religious landmarks tour of this birthplace of civilisation. Done. At five past seven, it’s back to the hotel for breakfast! Anyone for bubble and squeak?
Midland favela is next on the list. Stick close to Detective Inspector Father Bruce Rock here. If you’re game, you can banter with the Midlanders. They’ll greet you thus: “scuse mate, have you got five bucks for bus fare” or “what the **** are you looking at?”
Take the MacStuttles Tour challenge and see if you can outpace the super-fit, baggy-shorts wearing having-a-crack Nong Hound and his bicycle up Greenmount hill. Here’s a tip: you can’t. Don’t worry, neither could Lance Armstrong!
Returning to Perth metro, we tour the homes of the rich and famous. Prix D’Amour? (Gone … with the wind.) Taj on Swan? (Bulldozed.) Shall we go to where Rolf Harris grew up? Er, perhaps not!
Well, there’s always a chance we’ll see an ex-footballer darting around with his jocks on his head! And in season we can visit Parliament for the running of the bulldusters!
Time to climb Billionaire’s Wallet. The view from the top is amazing. Take in the West’s wildlife: Bald Eagles, Loan Sharks, Beer Snakes, Fruit Bats, Crayfish, Dolly Birds, Show Ponies, Feral Pigs and the State’s emblem, Chartreuse Spotted Big Gut Tree Frogs … on the croak. What a vista, mister!
Alas, that’s where the tour ends. We’ll drive you back to the border and catapult you over The Wall, to somewhere in South Australia.
Warning! Don’t let your permit expire, otherwise you will too! The Government requires us to hand over any tarrying non sandgropers. Just Sign here, and its hello, asia … euthanasia!
Don’t worry, we’ve only lost a few this way. Most perish during the catapult home anyway – the giant boondie lands on them! Whatever way you depart, remember to settle your account with MacStuttles Adventure Safaris WA before you go.
And thanks for coming to WA!